oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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