i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
