I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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