Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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