I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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