its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
