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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
