Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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