If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
