things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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