There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
