Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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