i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
