unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
