I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize