apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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