I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My ATM looks so different sober.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
