I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
