the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
