can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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