Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
