We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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