Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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