Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
