hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
