It's like God shit irony all over that family
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
