he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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