The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
did i walk over a car last night?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
