i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
