I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You can't special order awesome
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
