Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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