Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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