we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sorry my hands just texted you
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
