did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
