Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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