I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
