Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize