can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
