I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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