I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize