Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
