I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
