So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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