My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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