It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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