so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize