Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
