Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
