friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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