shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
