It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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