He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
