Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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