i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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