that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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