in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Everyone says I win the strip club
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
