There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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