I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My vagina just recognized that song.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
