Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
